Scott Alexander

‘In Los Angeles, atmospheric phenomena interact with the angle of the sun to produce rare weather phenomenon. Wind patterns blow haze particles across the Bay Area; they are met by cleaner and drier air giving sunsets a tonally unique vibrancy.’

SUNSET AT DANTE’S

On Woodshire Boulevard just up from Rodeo Drive is Dante’s. It sits innocuously between a hotel and a bookshop, all pastel, cinnamon and gingham. Dante’s is on the 9^th floor and rests above an art gallery and a fitness centre. It overlooks the surrounding yellow and pink terracotta buildings—their clay cooking between the LA earth and the LA sky.

The inside of Dante’s is immaculate. Moss green lounge chairs are kept exactly 40cm from the edge of the white marble tables. Each is lightly sprayed with the restaurants signature scent of black dahlia green tea. Atop the marble sits cutlery by Casa Bugatti and crystal by Harrods, London. A small vase of flowers is also positioned neatly on each surface, the composition being a mixture of orchids, zinnias, and alstroemeria. This foliage meanders up and across the cream arched ceiling (the famous Dante’s fresco is by LA Artist Abella Demasiado). Birds and flamingos sing amongst the verdure, and a monkey sits in the corner, quietly peeling back the umbrage, his head tilted quizzically.

A woman sits at a table, also tilting her head quizzically at the landscape around her. This woman is Amy Plaza and is with the Times. Aside from her southern drawl, Plaza is renowned for her frankness and clarity. Her crisp assertiveness is counterbalanced by what she calls the ‘expectant woman act’. She plays down controversial opinion, her body physically receiving the data as if it were any other kind of information. Her demeanour is tinged with boredom. The conversations are peppered with a hurriedness, encouraging the interviewee, often putting them on the offensive to impress or shock.

Ahead of Plaza, a woman reapplies her lipstick and stares up from a pocket mirror, glaring before turning to her companion, an elderly man. Much of the clientele is cut from the same cloth. Distinctive frames of neutral knitwear and oversized coats. The austere uniforms of Loro Piana, Bottega Veneta, Celine. Staple pieces from Hermes, Brunello Cucinelli, The Row, and Dries van Noten. All carrying the cold minimalism of financial privacy.

Out of this crowd came Lesley Harper, the subject of the interview. She sports a dark grey corset jumpsuit by Enrest Leoty, one of her sponsors, and a white windbreaker. For accessories; a white Hermes ‘Happy Sneaker’s’, a Prada leather baseball cap, Balenciaga butterfly sunglasses and an exquisite Saint Laurent cassandre handbag.

Harper spots Plaza immediately and glides across the restaurant. She is tall, pale, and emaciated. It appears as though her taut, ropy flesh is gripping onto its frame beneath. A sewed modern flag of some kind. They both meet standing and kiss the air on either side. Plaza applies hand sanitizer once seated.

It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. – Plaza

And to you. – Harper

They compliment each other’s outfits and speak pleasantly about Dante’s and the heat. The interview commences promptly.

I thought I would begin with reading a recently penned description of you. – Plaza

Please do. – Harper

Lesley Anne Harper is a 33-year-old leading longevity influencer, bio-hacker, and bio-banker. Believing that we have a moral responsibility to prevent the ageing process, and that any decision sub-optimal to one’s body is an act of violence, she began posting her bio-data on social media to critical acclaim. Sensationally, she celebrates her birthday every 18 months, rather than 12. She was raised Mormon, but left the church at an early age. – Plaza

Well, what can I say? – Harper (smiling)

Shall we begin with your childhood, if I may? – Plaza

Let’s order, first. – Harper

Plaza begins skimming the menu. Harper snappily ushers a waiter with a gently outstretched hand and winks at Plaza.

Can we get two delicate squash and endive salads with toasted almonds, mutsu apples, salanova red lettuce, mitica goat cheese, parsley, and caramelised honey vinaigrette, and one serving of the pan-roasted Faroe Island salmon with steamed baby vegetables, sauce gribiche, and dill. – Harper

Oh, and two San Pellegrinos. – Harper

Plaza slowly places the menu on the table and sits back, smiling. She waits until Harper says something first.

Before we get into this, I think you should know that I’m in a contract with my sponsors. – Harper

Plaza nods and watches quietly.

This restricts what I can say to media, including talking about my past, my childhood, my religion, Mr. Memento Mori, etc. I am only at liberty to speak to you about one thing, my daily routine. – Harper

Silence settles between them. They are both thinking. A champagne cork pops nearby.  

Well, I suppose let’s proceed with what you can say. – Plaza

THIS IS
MY AUTONOMOUS SELF

Six days a week, at 4:45AM, a room in Malibu begins to glow.

A single amber halogen bulb gradually gets brighter as waves dawn and unfold through a speaker. The room is sparse. It contains no photos or furniture.

Peculiar meshing and metallic beams slash across each cornice. This is a faraday cage.

The occupant stirs. They rise from Halcyon’s ‘Elysium Organic Mattress’ perfectly fitted to a self-making bed. They open two doors, one after the other, to the hallway and the occupant is greeted by the smart house.

They stand on a biometric smart scale which takes metrics on; muscle mass, body fat percentage, bone density, water composition, metabolic age, BMR, subcutaneous fat and visceral fat, skeletal muscle, protein intake, blood pressure, and BMI.

A sigh of relief. The digits are committed to memory.

Oral health routine—the individual brushes furiously, staring at their complexion in the mirror, as they bleed into the sink. Red beads of grapefruit dripping and splashing across the white marble.

They move to the next room.

Upon entry, they lie facing upward, hands by their side, wearing a headset linked to what looks like a fax machine. This is a Biobalance Pulsed Electromagnetic Field machine.

Another individual awakens at this time. This is the individual’s ‘life buddy’.

The buddy stands in the doorway watching the other meditate.

The meditation concludes and the individual fills their lungs with air, and screams.

The duo meet in the kitchen and slowly kiss each other upon the head, almost ceremoniously.

They hand each other a bright purple shake, made by the smart house, and silently leave the complex.  

There is a thick heavy dew of morning stillness, soaking Malibu. Above lies a cathedral of azure blue. Ahead, a pink blush of sunrise.

They march down through the gated community to the gym, and go their separate ways.

The individual engages in strength and cardiovascular training, followed by a light therapy sauna.

Upon completion, the individual showers and frantically examines their body for new moles or sunspots. Once a week, the individual collects a sample of their stool for testing.

Are you getting all of this? – Harper

Yes, please go on. – Plaza (yawning)

What do you have for breakfast? – Plaza

First meal consists of organic eggs, carrots and salad, blue berries, and coconut yoghurt. All the ingredients are classified as regeneratively grown. 20 supplements are washed down with a glass of water. No plastic accoutrements are ever used for any preparation or service of meals.

Once a month, five days prior to ovulation (during the fertility window), the individual partakes in a decompression session.

They arm themselves with a club, lock themselves in a room with a small wild cat, and beat the animal to death. This resembles a hunting simulation, which is restorative for mitochondrial health. The individual lies prostrate, panting. The smart house purrs ‘GOODGIRL’.

THIS IS
MY AUTONOMOUS SELF

The individual engages in e-commerce from the comfort and safety of their home. This saves them from interacting with the general Los Angeles population, who are renown to carry the West Nile Virus, chlamydia, and diabetes.

60-minute work blocks are conducted from an Anthros chair. The individual is simultaneously linked to a NanoVi device, a high performing nasal cannula, which significantly improves oxygenation levels.

Whilst working, the individual can hear the kitchen preparing second meal. They emerge and find avocado, egg, and brown rice wraps neatly served upon a bed of quinoa.

The smart house continues its flurry of activity, taking advantage of the high solar output to complete its chores.

Sometimes the individual switches from the custom settings to the factory ‘spontaneous fun mode’.

The house cackles and chortles and tells jokes, wheezing with mirth. Occasionally it will command ‘NOW, DANCE’, before blasting dance music and flickering the lights. The individual dances, flailing their limbs.

Each day after second meal, they complete an ice bath cold plunge and spend some time on the whole-body vibration plate. This improves blood circulation, blood sugar control, insulin resistance, cognitive functions, and synaptic plasticity.

At 16:00, the individual finishes work. They stare at the black monitor for some time before spending half an hour in the family hyperbaric oxygen chamber.

I should say, I am being particularly careful around this time of year. – Harper

Careful in what sense? – Plaza

Personal safety and accidents, its nearing my birthday you see. – Harper

Sorry, I am not following. – Plaza

The birthday effect, silly. – Harper

Sorry, I am still not following. – Plaza

Ah ok. So you know how the body has a 24-hour circadian rhythm? Well, we also have a yearly circannual biological rhythm. Statistically people die around their birthday. – Harper

The individual commences third meal preparation. This consists of a consommé of bone broth, an entree of chilli and orange salmon with watercress new potatoes and wasabi mayo, followed by a single glass of 2018 Penfolds Grange Shiraz (from the Barossa Valley, South Australia) and a shake with foetal blood. Black dahlia green tea is served afterwards in the drawing room.

The life buddy arrives from work and the duo eat together in silence. An early dinner allows three to four hours of digestion—conducive to REM cycles.

THIS IS
MY AUTONOMOUS SELF

Upon completion of third meal, the individuals engage in activations and then run by the Malibu Shoreline—their Shinrin-yoku routine.

Nature bathing increases levels of natural killer cells and decreases cortisol concentration. Meanwhile witnessing the sunset assists their circadian rhythms.

As it ticks over from 18:59 to 19:00, a string quartet plays out across the speaker system. The house is programmed for ‘unwind’ at 19:00.

Each smart globe gently switches from blue to red light. This switch induces a parasympathetic state in the individuals. They experience pupil dilation, improved salivation, opened blood vessels and slowed breathing. This is gratifying for the smart home.  

On this occasion, the individual identifies home repairs to complete. At the end of the second storey hallway, the light at the furthermost end from the stairs is broken. Red globes illuminate continuously down the hallway and then fade out into total darkness. This is unusual as the smart home reports all such irregularities in its diagnostic updates.  The individual stares at the black down the hall.

The individuals retire to either end of a Saint Germain 3-Seater, by GioPagani. An art installation of three panels slowly merges and become a television screen.

They are treated to ‘Night on Earth’, a Netflix series analysing the nightlife of predators in their natural habitats. Snakes writhe and shed their skins, smelling with their tongues. One is two-headed, sinking its fangs into one another, white venom dripping.

On Thursdays at 20:15, the individuals engage in coitus. Carnal knowledge improves the immune system and can lead to increased affection towards one’s life buddy. Every precaution is taken to minimise risk of childbearing. As per the Surgeon General’s advice, this would lead to catastrophic health outcomes for the individuals involved.

The only reason I would enter pregnancy would be to access foetal blood and plasma. – Harper

Like an oil change? – Plaza (winking)

Something like that, I don’t drive. Under statute, I have the copyright to the intellectual property contained in my genes, so the human tissue that is wrapped around the foetus is mine. – Harper

The individuals lie upward on either side of the self-making bed. They stand up, slowly kiss one another on the forehead, and retreat to their bedrooms.

THIS IS
MY AUTONOMOUS SELF

SUNSET AT DANTE’S

Did you get all that? – Harper

Sure did. – Plaza

She clicks her pen and closes her black journal. With a balance of subtlety and assertion, a waitress gracefully places the bill in the centre of the table. Neutral territory. Plaza picks it up, quickly glances at its contents ($128USD), and returns it with a company credit card.

Don’t tip. – Plaza

She places her hands on her lap, elbows outstretched, indicating her intention to leave.

Lesley Harper, it’s been a pleasure. Thank you so much for your time. – Plaza

Once more, the two women kiss the air on each side of their cheeks.

My lawyers will be in touch. – Harper

Plaza nods. Harper gathers her accessories and turns to leave. She pauses for a moment, smiling.

Death is a choice. – Harper

---

Scott is an Australian lawyer with a keen interest in human rights.

More tantalising stories are waiting for you…
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